Wednesday, May 19, 2004
I am, all in all, too harsh, and way too mean.
For example, I am HORRIBLE to Luke. Not in the same was as someone else in particular, being that I don't go out of my way to encourage then crush his hopes in the span of an evening. But still, I'm mean to the poor boy. In a joking manner, I say some pretty cruel shit. On friday night, Luke practically fucking beamed because I patted him on the head when he did something right. I treated him like a freakin' DOG, and he was like, "that's awesome, it more than makes up for all the insults!" Sheesh.
I'm horrible to all my male friends. Not in a mean spirited way, I never mean the insults, they're just jokes, and I like to think people KNOW they're only jokes. But still. I'm mean. And I want people to know, if they already don't, that I am only joking. I heart you all, pretty much :P. And I'm truly sorry if my joking insults hurt anyone.
I'm not just harsh to my male friends though. I'm harsh in general. Especially about skanks. Most of the time, I don't feel bad about this, especially when said skanks hurt my friends. But sometimes, I'm just a little too harsh, which is at odds with my attempts at empathy. (I'm currently blaming history teacher parents for instilling aforementioned empathy, and cussing the director of Troy for wielding the empathy as a weapon against me.) Anyway, back to the main point. A girl who was in my music class in year ten got pregnant pretty soon after the hsc and now she's ending up marrying the guy who knocked her up. My first reaction was to blast the girl for being such a dumb skank. (Not to her face of course, I haven't seen her in years.) But after thinking about it for a while, I just feel sorry for her, for the guy, and for the baby. It's not her fault, really. She's not exactly the brightest spark, and things just happen sometimes. And it's going to be hard for them all, in years to come and shit. I laughed at this girl, because she fucked up, and I'm a dickhead, but now, I feel more like crying for her. But what do I know? Maybe all of the things that've happened will bring her peace and happiness. Stranger things have happened.
Really, what I'm doing in this post is substituting prayer. I still believe in a god, but I can't bring myself to pray anymore. I don't know why. So I guess I'm writing this atypically open post as a way of vaguely asking for absolution. I'm not sure who I'm asking though.fnord
For example, I am HORRIBLE to Luke. Not in the same was as someone else in particular, being that I don't go out of my way to encourage then crush his hopes in the span of an evening. But still, I'm mean to the poor boy. In a joking manner, I say some pretty cruel shit. On friday night, Luke practically fucking beamed because I patted him on the head when he did something right. I treated him like a freakin' DOG, and he was like, "that's awesome, it more than makes up for all the insults!" Sheesh.
I'm horrible to all my male friends. Not in a mean spirited way, I never mean the insults, they're just jokes, and I like to think people KNOW they're only jokes. But still. I'm mean. And I want people to know, if they already don't, that I am only joking. I heart you all, pretty much :P. And I'm truly sorry if my joking insults hurt anyone.
I'm not just harsh to my male friends though. I'm harsh in general. Especially about skanks. Most of the time, I don't feel bad about this, especially when said skanks hurt my friends. But sometimes, I'm just a little too harsh, which is at odds with my attempts at empathy. (I'm currently blaming history teacher parents for instilling aforementioned empathy, and cussing the director of Troy for wielding the empathy as a weapon against me.) Anyway, back to the main point. A girl who was in my music class in year ten got pregnant pretty soon after the hsc and now she's ending up marrying the guy who knocked her up. My first reaction was to blast the girl for being such a dumb skank. (Not to her face of course, I haven't seen her in years.) But after thinking about it for a while, I just feel sorry for her, for the guy, and for the baby. It's not her fault, really. She's not exactly the brightest spark, and things just happen sometimes. And it's going to be hard for them all, in years to come and shit. I laughed at this girl, because she fucked up, and I'm a dickhead, but now, I feel more like crying for her. But what do I know? Maybe all of the things that've happened will bring her peace and happiness. Stranger things have happened.
Really, what I'm doing in this post is substituting prayer. I still believe in a god, but I can't bring myself to pray anymore. I don't know why. So I guess I'm writing this atypically open post as a way of vaguely asking for absolution. I'm not sure who I'm asking though.fnord
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